In Memory

In Loving Memory of My Big Brother.
Febuary 1, 1960 - January 29, 2004

You will live in our hearts for eternity. I will be looking for your handsome smile at Heavens Gates when my time arrives.

2 Years Ago

The 29th is a sad day. It was 2 years ago on this day that we got the call that my Brother died. Sadder, is that it is my great nephews birthday. He is quite aware of this, and even though at his age, 10 now, he speaks of his birthday with joy and excitement, he occasionally reminds us that," Uncle Bob died on my birthday", and his face gets so sad. Then I think to that day, and how I did not acknowledge the lil fellas birthday while we were all in Texas for the funeral. It makes me sad to think this poor lil fella was so excited about his birthday and getting to see family, and was faced with such sadness and grief. I still feel the guilt of overlooking this joyous occasion for a fella I love so much and had missed horribly, but was totally numb to anything other then grief during those few days.
My heart always has a sadness and heaviness in it since Bob died. It will never go away. My cousin passed away here a few weeks ago and my Aunt asked my parents, "when does the pain go away?" I am sad for her, that this woman of the age of around 70'ish, has no idea, that it will not ever leave her. She is oblivious to the process. And how do I tell her? I shouldn't and won't, her Dr's proposed for her to seek counseling, which I think is a great idea, because she has chosen to hold her feelings in, rather then vent them. Holding them in is like when you shake a jar of hot liquid and the top explodes all the liquid from the pressure. You have to vent. I knew all too well how I really wanted to vent. I wanted to stand out in a field and scream, and kick, and throw dirt and demand an answer from God, NOW!!! I think I felt if I screamed loud enough he would take notice and maybe answer me. Ohhh I was so mad at him. He had no right. He had no purpose. It just didn't make sense at all. He let him die alone! What was he thinking! How dare he do this to us!!!!!!!! Anger beyond any anger I have ever felt in my life. It is all still so fresh. But I did not scream, outloud anyhow.
So on this day I am torn. Because wanting to spend it close to home I have to be away. Ct is back in the hospital. For at least 4 days. Almost 2 hours away. I will pack up tomorrow and return there, because I love him and he needs me to be with him. I am telling myself that I have to keep my heels cooled while I am there, not to be short with him because I am sad inside. It isn't his fault. His arm is infected an we are worried that they will have to remove the bone transplant, and pray that he will not lose his arm. And I am wondering why my head and tummy hurt?
So with that, goodnite. God Bless. Kiss the lil ones and keep them close to your hearts.

"Stop telling God how big your storm is. Instead, tell the storm how big your God is!"

It's that time again!

That's right boys & girls, Tax Time! Woo hoo. With that brings Fafsa time, can we say woo hoo again! OMG, I hate filling our fafsa! Now I have 2 to do this yr. But it is well worth the aggravation, the kids get nice Pell grants that I am extremely thankful for. Otherwise they'd not be able to attend college. Rain & I are bug eyed after filling out a schmillion scholarship applications tonight. We have another date with the internet tomorrow night right after dinner to do some more. Whatever it takes! I am almost tempted to hit the street with a tin cup and a sign that says .... Will work for college funds! Funny thing is, I have seen this done! Last time we went to Morgantown, there was a boy with a sign that said, NO FOOD.NO MONEY. NO HOME.LOST SCHOLARSHIP. WILL WORK FOR ANYTHING. I felt bad. But WHY did he lose the scholarship? Was he messing around and flunked out. And what about his parents? Do they know their son is standing on the highway with this sign? I would be frantic. I wouldn't be a happy parent, but I would never let my kid be out in the cold. But maybe he'd had chance after chance and this was his lesson for life. I pondered all the thoughts, after all I had an hour and a half to think about it. Not that it is my place to judge, which I didn't actually, but I gave it a lot of thought and decided he was learning an important lesson, how to take charge of his own life, be responsible for his actions. And I'd hoped that he will become a stronger person and doesn't get lost in the cracks of society. So I asked God to help him out, not get him completely out of the fix, but maybe light the path for him to his own personal success.
I never ask God to completely get me out of fixes. I just ask that he might help guide me to the correct path, and then let me stumble around to find the end of that path. After all, stumble around long enough, and I have, you get smarter, wiser to what you have to do with your life and how to keep better control of your situations. I am happy with that. I think I have learned a lot in the past 10 yrs. I have gotten stronger. I haven't found success yet, I keep telling myself that God has that room hidden in the forest of grief and hard times, and it is up to me to keep trying to find it. After all, what would I learn if he just led me right to it? Nothing. SO I wait. I stumble, I fall, then I get up, brush my britches off and move along. See that is where I got my journals title, I'm just strummin along to the tune... of life. When people ask, How I am doing, I say, Oh, I'm still just strummin along to the tune of life! They chuckle but they know what I mean.
I went to the Dr's today. I love that man, he's so smart and so cool. I tease the girls at work and say... I am going to marry him someday! It's just a joke! LOL but they gasp! But he is that cool. I really want to work for him, because he is very easy going, very laid back, and not a snotty nose to anyone. He's good to those who work for him. I tell him, remember me when you get your own practice. Right now he works through the hospital as a teacher and sees patients through their office. Anyways, I have a lumbar strain. Yah. That is what I need. I am not allowed to lift anything, which is really hard, because I am used to doing things for myself pretty much. So I have pain pills and muscle relaxers he said I can take at work. I don't think I will try that yet. I have to get them filled tomorrow and then I will do a test run. I'd hate to take them at work and then be falling under the desk.
Well I will help save you from the babble, have a good nite and a better tomorrow. Don't forget to thank God for Yesterday, he might not be so nice about tomorrow.

And the band began to play......

I was standing outside in the break area at work today, yes.. I was smoking, and no I was not on fire, anyways, I overheard a mother complaining about her son having to take music and how stupid it was and what could it possibly do for him in his future. Well I tell ya, it took everything I had not to speak up and tell her exactly this. I wanted to say:, Let me tell you what music can do for your child. It will teach him how to appreciate one of the blessings God gave to us. Hearing and making a beautiful noise that can express ones deepest feelings. If he decides he likes making music, he can join the band. And yes it does have benefits. When Rain stepped into high school, she was shy, insecure, would cry at the drop of a hat, not outgoing at all. She made friends, that she will have for many years, I don't know what it is, but band kids build a special bond, they never forget each other, there's a strange connection, I know it, I have band friends I have had for 25 yrs! She came out of her shell. She tried out for the colorguard(flag corp) and made it, she was accepted and encourage, she made captain her Junior yr and Sr year, and in all the yrs of the bands colorguard this had only happened one other time. She's outgoing, secure about who she is and determined. I am completely convinced it is because she was in the band. Oh yes, she endured the remarks from some kids, calling her band nerd and so forth, but she stood up to them and told them, "at least I have a life and a cause! When was the last time you accomplished anything for your own self being?" They shut up real quick. I am proud of who she has become, will, mostly let's just say sometimes she's a lil over outspoken! But at least she isn't that teary eyed little girl who was afraid of her own shadow anymore.
So see, it isn't stupid, it isn't useless. It is promising to give your child something to accomplish of his own doing, something to be proud of. It gives him appreciation of some of the finer things in life. It gets him out of the house, lets him make life long frineds, have FUN! I guess some parents think it is easier maintenance to just pop a DVD in the player or a game tape into the playstation and let their kids minds be molded by a computer.

Another day

Well... I am still trying to figure out how to fancy up my blog. I see everyone elses gorgeous creations and I think... Am I this stupid! I think my main obstacle is uninteruppted time. That's right, time without someone interuppting me and making me feel guilty if I ignore them for a split second. GOD forbid "I" have a few moments of peace and quiet! I have thought of taking MY computer and putting it in my bedroom, which I add has a lock on the door and then I will get MY time. But then the kids will want to be in there with me! ARGH! Don't get me wrong, I love my kids and hubby dearly, but THEY get their space and private time, I never do. CT is always right here. Which he can't help being off work right now, but he gets all day alone without anyone and he putters about doing what he wants. I can't remember the last time I had this, and dammit, I am jealous! But then that brings me to "the grass is greener on the other side" syndrome. I know he' stir crazy and I am burnt out. Is there a happy medium? I guess I could say "hey... I want to be alone, can you go to bed or go sit on the porch!" lol That is kinda cruel! lol I pursaded him one night to stay at his Mom's but I still had Rain and Son here, who thought it was cool that we had a night off and must have thought I was lonesome and glued theirselves to my rear. I had visions of candles, music, peace. AHHH HA HA ! Silly silly me! Well , Off to bed, for tommorow is another work day. My boss fails to pick up the hints that I have been throwing about, "Yes I am working the weekend AGAIN!" That or she smirks when I can't see her. Hmph! Good nite!

Windy day

Wow, I feel like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz today! The wind is horrible! We didn't notice until almost darl that a huge portion of our garage roof blew off and flipped over onto the other saide. I am just glad it stopped there and didn't keep coming at the house and through the window which was only maybe another 2 feet away. I have been worried sick all day about the neighbors pine trees. They are huge and branches are always breaking off. They tower over our house and where we park our cars. That would be all I needed. But I have been told that if it came from their property then it would be their esponsibility to pay for the damage. I hope that is right because I can't afford a raise in my insurance.
On a wonderfully fabulous note, I got to see my Grandaughter this evening!!!!!!!! I haven't seen her since she was born and she just turned 1 last Saturday. She is so adorably cute! She loved Rains bedroom, because it is sponge painted 3 differant shades of purple and then she has a pink little lamp she keeps on that gives it a magical glow. Plus all the stuffed animals were just to irresistable! She loves them! I have a few I keep in my cabinet in the living room, and by the time she was done, she had them all out, of course I got them out and gave them to her! lol I love this baby girl so much! What was really funny, she was getting a little bit cranky and she looked up and seen her pictures on the wall and she got so tickled to see herself! SHe was giggling and smiling. It was adorable ! This is a picture her Mommy(who's a photographer) took of her~ I love it!
so It turned out to be a wonderful evening!
Have a wonderful Sunday! Relax and enjoy and appreciate the day we've been given!

Monday Monday da da, da da da da da

Well it started out slow, aggravating, but then moved along as it when on. Mondays.... suck. What's worse are Mondays that you are off that suck! Started out getting CT up and moving for his neaurologist appt... what a chore. I get him there and mind you, before today, all his appts fell on my work days so today was the first time I met this DR. OMG. I wanted to scream at him. He was annoying!!!!!! He was extremely overweight(I have nothing against plump people, I myself am plumpy, but this was gross slobby overweight), snorted when he talked, he sounded like he was talking through poop in his mouth, and he talked to us with his eyes closed!!!!!!! He didn't explain hardly anything, I had to keep asking questions over & over. When he handed me CT's script, he slid it over to me across the examining table, then pushed it the rest of the way with his pen, he wouldn't even get up and hand it to me. Most Dr's will shake your hand and get up. He just sat there, he didn't even really check him out, even though this was a follow up from some test, you'd have thought he'd check him out a lil bit! I am not pleased!!! CT waits till we get in the car and says, "I don't like him and I don't trust his opinion, and haven't since the 1st appt!) OMG! Why'd he wait till now, after going for a year!!!!!!
SO we get home and I call the insurance for another DR. Tommorow I make a new appt with a new DR.
CT's test for sleep apnea show he stops breathing approx. 393 times a night! I don't think this is anything to mess with! His legs jerk 380 times a night. No wonder I don't sleep when we sleep in the same bed!
I hurt my back somehow. It has killed me all day. But I took Moe for a long walk up the hill and it actually felt better while I was walking, I didn't even get out of breath! So I think maybe I need to keep that up. It actually felt good. We were walking pretty fast too because Moe likes to run and I have to keep him thinking he's in charge to keep him from trying to break the leash! lol
So back to work tommorow. Yay. Pattoey! I need to play the powerball tommorow, you never know! But I know I need to either find a job closer to home or win lotsa moolah and stay home and do the things that I need to do!
Have a good Tuesday! Adios!

Notes from Heaven

The front page of the newspaper about broke my heart today. It was plastered with the note from Martin Toler Jr. to his family, telling them... "it wasn't bad, I just went to sleep". I couldn't bare to even look at it for tears welled up in my eyes everytime I tried to read it. Martin, I think he signed the note, Jr, was one of the WV miners killed this week in the Sago mine accident. It breaks my heart. Randall McCLoys family waits, praying that this man will come too and not suffer any type of brain damage. I pray that God gives this brave young man a second chance and lets him heal to be able to enjoy his children and life. He was the only survivor. That has to say something. God was with him? Was an angel holding his hand, trying to help him hold on? I think so. He was the youngest of all the miners. Randall McCloy holds the key. He holds the truth of the events. He may not be able to rememeber any of it. That might be better if he can not. Let's just pray together that God can see it in his heart to heal this man.
I am actually sitting here listening to Christmas music. I found a CD I thought I'd lost and had to listen to it! The group is Point of Grace, a Christian group of all girls and they sing wonderfully! So I couldn't resist! I don't have but a few Chrisitian Cd's, Christian rock mostly that I bought for the kids. They been to a few concerts here in the valley. They get to Rock & Roll with God! How cool is that! lol
Well Off to another area of the great land of internet! I am trying to find some ideas for storage without spending funds I don't have! FLy Lady needs to come visit me ! lol

Shhhhhhhhhh

All the babies are sleeping in the house. Moe(Son's rotten lil beast of a beagle) has learned at 11 pm, if he barks every 15 min... he gets to go outside for a lil gander around the yard and THEN... he gets to run from Son into the house and runs all about! It takes him until about 1 am to settle down. Dogs are smart. Of course the Queen, Starr, my lil foo foo cockapoo just looks at him like he's insane, then she lets me scratch her head a lil more. Now there's the smart pooch! I want to be the lil old lady that sits in the rocking chair, hearing music in her head, smiling at God knows what , with the foo foo pooch on her lap, just enjoying every moment together. Starr is now 6 yrs old, I hope she can make it till I am hearing the music in my head... oh wait, I do that now!

I have a feeling an ER visit is my future with CT. He told me tonight he has lower abdominal pain that is radiating from the right side to the left, and it is getting worse. But would he go tonight?? No. Hard headed man. But he isn't vomiting or running a fever yet, so I will watch him close tonight. He has slept alot though this evening. And soundly, to the point that Son and I were watching over him at one point making sure he was still breathing. I didn't want to scare him by touching him so we watched. How scary is that. I can't believe I am at that point in our lives, worrying about the worse scenario. I told him tonight, while hugging him and trying to comfort him, that once he gets well, we are going to start walking, and getting in shape, that we are too young for this. I pray to the good Lord he gives us that chance.

Well off to bed, with the vaporizer, ahhh the smell of Vicks! I wash our clothes with extra care to make them smell good, now they smell like vicks! lol How corky is that!
Good night world, I look forward to seeing tommorow.

Lord thank you for yesterday and for the new day you are about to bless us with. Please watch over us and keep us safe so that we may awaken to see the sky above us and hear the birds sing.

God Bless WV Miners Families

They say that God has a reason for everything. Not that we are meant to understand, we don't, but we have to accept that fact. But sometimes... I have a hard time understanding. I have a difficult time accepting tragedy. Sometimes all I can hope for is that someday it will all make sense and that I have to trust that God is waiting with open arms for his children as they pass through Heavens Gates.
Please take a moment and say a prayer for the WV miners who were tragically taken from their families, that they had the Lord in their heart and are with him at this very moment. Please keep their families in your prayers and hearts, that they may know that Gods plan is for reasons that they don't understand at this moment, but that he has a purpose for their prescious souls to join him in watching over their loved ones. Pray for peace in their community, pray that they can come together and hold each others hearts dear and near, and help each other through this tragedy. Pray for their children, let them know that their fathers loved them and take that love to heaven with them and sending angel kisses to them as they lay their heads upon their pillows each night. Pray for the Fathers, Mothers, Wives, Sisters & brothers, give them peace and strength while grieving their loved ones physical departure.

To everything there is a season,a time for every purpose under the sun.A time to be born and a time to die;a time to plant and a time to pluck up that which is planted;a time to kill and a time to heal ...a time to weep and a time to laugh;a time to mourn and a time to dance ...a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing;a time to lose and a time to seek;a time to rend and a time to sew;a time to keep silent and a time to speak;a time to love and a time to hate;a time for war and a time for peace.
ecclesiastes 3:1-8

Ah, The New Year

Hm... I am trying to figure out the hoopla surrounding the excitement that occurs, or maybe the height of excitement for New Years. I sat there, watching the ball falling, the kids were jumping around counting down. Tada! 2006. Wow, now that was exciting.. I didn't feel any differant, I still had a sorethroat, I was still cold, I am still in desperately deep shit debt, my bank account is still empty, I am still obese, depressed, frumpy and grumpy. So I laid back over in my hugely fuzzy housecoat, against the pillows, and sighed. I was attacked by kids hugging me and yelling Happy New year! Ok, so I mustered out, Happy New Year. I know it didn't sound exciting, I feel like I disapointed them with my excitement. I felt guilty then. I felt even more guilty today that I allow myself to get so depressed and can't click out of it long enough to pacify them. But I was really tired last night. Worn out from being sick and work. I hope they understand. So I cooked them breakfast this morning, maybe that would help. I decided to try and not be impatient with Son, who at times can really trigger your urge to choke him, even though basically he is an awesome kid. Then the dog got out and I lost my patience because his version of looking for the dog was looking to the east & west from the front porch, nope no dog. We eventually found her, stinking to high heaven licking her chops, with stuff all over her, I don't know what it was and don't wanna~ So hooray, it's the New Year. I am hoping all the crap that happened to us last year is over. After all, when your so low your under the barrel, there's no other way to go but up ..... right???????