2 Years Ago

The 29th is a sad day. It was 2 years ago on this day that we got the call that my Brother died. Sadder, is that it is my great nephews birthday. He is quite aware of this, and even though at his age, 10 now, he speaks of his birthday with joy and excitement, he occasionally reminds us that," Uncle Bob died on my birthday", and his face gets so sad. Then I think to that day, and how I did not acknowledge the lil fellas birthday while we were all in Texas for the funeral. It makes me sad to think this poor lil fella was so excited about his birthday and getting to see family, and was faced with such sadness and grief. I still feel the guilt of overlooking this joyous occasion for a fella I love so much and had missed horribly, but was totally numb to anything other then grief during those few days.
My heart always has a sadness and heaviness in it since Bob died. It will never go away. My cousin passed away here a few weeks ago and my Aunt asked my parents, "when does the pain go away?" I am sad for her, that this woman of the age of around 70'ish, has no idea, that it will not ever leave her. She is oblivious to the process. And how do I tell her? I shouldn't and won't, her Dr's proposed for her to seek counseling, which I think is a great idea, because she has chosen to hold her feelings in, rather then vent them. Holding them in is like when you shake a jar of hot liquid and the top explodes all the liquid from the pressure. You have to vent. I knew all too well how I really wanted to vent. I wanted to stand out in a field and scream, and kick, and throw dirt and demand an answer from God, NOW!!! I think I felt if I screamed loud enough he would take notice and maybe answer me. Ohhh I was so mad at him. He had no right. He had no purpose. It just didn't make sense at all. He let him die alone! What was he thinking! How dare he do this to us!!!!!!!! Anger beyond any anger I have ever felt in my life. It is all still so fresh. But I did not scream, outloud anyhow.
So on this day I am torn. Because wanting to spend it close to home I have to be away. Ct is back in the hospital. For at least 4 days. Almost 2 hours away. I will pack up tomorrow and return there, because I love him and he needs me to be with him. I am telling myself that I have to keep my heels cooled while I am there, not to be short with him because I am sad inside. It isn't his fault. His arm is infected an we are worried that they will have to remove the bone transplant, and pray that he will not lose his arm. And I am wondering why my head and tummy hurt?
So with that, goodnite. God Bless. Kiss the lil ones and keep them close to your hearts.

"Stop telling God how big your storm is. Instead, tell the storm how big your God is!"